Not sure I've ever been so terrified

Its been a little over a month since I last posted and to say that things have happened in the meantime is a severe understatement.

To put it short I feel like my family is crumbling down all around me like flies and there is little I can do about it. The only thing that will make a real difference is to try and keep the momentum up, increase it even. I need to help myself before I will be able to help them.

I also need to escape this place before it crumbles around me. I've found out that there is little to do to help from the inside. But if I were outside this mess on my own two feet I would be able to lend more of a helping hand, and it would provide some practical solution to the problems.

I won't say what the problems are but that they are huge and I am worried.

I need to get into medical school for next academic year. I need to save them and I need to save myself.

Progress so far is ok. It could be better, but then it could always be better.

I sat my gamsat. I have not got the results back but am planning on resitting in march. University applications are done. I have also sat my exams for my postgraduate diploma. I really hope I pass.

My solution to these issues is to work harder. My priorities from now till december are improving my memory and working on chemistry - as in getting it completely sorted.

Starting sometime next week I think I'll start laying out the groundwork for memorising my entire chemistry course. The week after is where I really aim to focus on memorising chemistry.

Things are changing

So many things have changed since I last posted. The gamsat is coming up, which I am not too confident about. I also started my application form for universities, and start a college course this week.

I'm not too good with change so its going to be a uncomfortable few weeks getting used to the new schedule and fitting everything in place. Then I have another couple of exams in october. Should be fun, and I need to remember to get my application form sorted by then.

After that I'm hoping things will settle down a little bit.

Last assignment

Time is running out and I have so much to do. Putting my head to the ground and trying to work through it. Its about the only thing I can do right now.

Medical School

I'm suprised sometimes about how much I want to get into medical school. I don't think I realised how much you could want something to happen until I found out that was the direction I wanted to go in.

Sometimes its a deep physical ache. I think about how I might not get in and its akin to pain.

I'm going to need a reference from the tutor I am doing my current course with. Only I can't ask him about it just yet because we are clashing over something. Not really clashing, but our personalities seem to clash. He made an assumption and certain misjudgments over what area I wanted to research.

I corrected the misjudgements in the nicest most polite way I know how. I can not read how well he is recieving them. He also seems the sort to not think before he says something or types. So a lot of the time he has included outright errors in logic. I have not corrected or questioned those yet. Though everytime I read one I get a strong OCD like twitch to do so.

I am hoping that it is just the tension growing in me from repressing the urge to question these errors. Rather than any negative feelings he is actually showing toward me in the replies. Hopefully I have not messed anything up.

My plan that if I recieve a good mark in my assignment (hope so) then I will approach the idea of asking him for a reference in the future. Then I also need to concentrate on the ukcat, my other assignments and the gamsat which means the most to me right now.

Lets talk serious for a minute

Roughly four years ago my dad died of cancer. Now not too long ago my sister aquired a boyfriend who smoked. Which I don't have much of a problem against by the way. He's a stranger and it is addictive. Of course then my sister who I am seriously starting to think has no personality of her own (I've been looking but she's 17 and so far has made no choice of her own that isn't influenced by someone else) she then starts smoking.

Boyfriend is now out of the picture (though as I speak a new friend who is of the male gender is staying over for the night). I'm hoping the smoking is gone as well but walked past her room today and it reeks of smoke. I'm not sure whether I will confront her. My mom won't want me to I think. She's been walking on eggshells around her ever since she got into the 'oh woe is me, I am so hard done by' stage.


I'm disapointed in my sister. She knows better. I know she knows better.

I'm not going to talk to her with her friend here. I don't want to embarress her but it looks like I might have to step up to the plate so if it goes on like this someone has got to discuss it with her. If no one else is going to do it then it might as well be me.

Who knew that at age 23 I'd be helping raise two teenagers?

Really dislike qualitative research methods

I won't say hate because I quite like reading them. They make for good light bedtime story reading.

So I'm doing a course of ethonography - because the start dates for the quantitative methods courses were at inconvient times. The reading is much softer than I am used to so it is very easy to read.

However I am having tremendous trouble figuiring out what exact type of research idea they want me to come up with when the very definition of 'ethonography' is so fuzzy. I have read ahead through the notes, so think I have a fair idea. Just need to write it out and convince my tutor to stay quiet enough to hear it out.

In other news I got a place on a chemistry course for next year. The bad news that comes with it being that it means going there four days a week. Should be fun though provided I can get there.

Tomorrow I have an interview

Its for a course I'm going on next year. I haven't covered that much chemistry formally but am finding learning about it very interesting - though the equations are killing me right now. I thought that some more formal instruction could be very useful, particually if I have to redo the gamsat in march.

To be perfectly honest I'm not sure how well gamsat revision is going. There are times that I am really optimistic about it, and times when I am very pessimistic.

On a brighter note I started volunteering at a hospital a while ago. I have been in oncology, maternity and a more generic patients ward. Its fun but no current luck in getting a doctor to shadow yet. References for the application in september is a bit of a dilemma but hopefully I should find someone before then.

Next step: course interview and lots more gamsat stuff, also got a assignment to write.

Registered for gamsat

Its a big test that could very well be the most important exam I have ever taken. I want to get a brilliant score. I have told myself that if I get a score over 70 then for the rest of the year I can concentrate on other things. Which of course will still mean science, cause theres no way I could just stop learning about science. That would be so boring.

But I could concentrate on the bits of science I find most facinating. I could increase my hours of employment so I can save up some much needed cash. I could concentrate more time to writing. Maybe I could even do some volunteering overseas.

If I get anything lower than 70, even if its 69 I'm going to repeat the test. I don't mind that too much but I'd rather have that step over with so that I can concentrate on the next step. Right now I feel as if my life is frozen in space, I just want to make headway already so I don't feel like I'm doing nothing.

I've just got to keep focused.

Just keep going

I have set goals. That is good. Now I just need to do a little each day to work towards them. When they are acheived I will be so happy and proud of myself.

If I am consistant it will build up and before I know it boom. I'm another great big step closer.

Focus tomorrow is science notes, couple of essays, equation practice (I need a lot of practice for these), essay idea session, science revision, little bit of ethonography and some writing.

Thats most of the basics covered. Adding in section one work starting tomorrow. Hoping once the science notes are finished I'll have a little more time to do other things.

Like I said I just need to keep going. Sometimes the motivation is more difficult, because when I have days like today with so much travelling I just get so tired. I just have to keep reminding myself that if I keep going in the end it will pay off.

Statement of the year from my mom

Speaking about how little I supposedly do around the house, after her precious abusing, swearing like a sailor youngest daughter complained to her. (This being the girl who complains verbally that she is too weak to lift anything slightly heavy just so she can try and get out of it). Also the same girl who I swear could break some sort of record for hours of glee watched continuously (this being in exam season).

My mother said and I quote: "You used to do so much more housework. You used to work for two hours every day. Now I'm lucky if I can get a quarter of an hour out of you."

The ironic thing. This statement was said while I was in the kitchen tending to the large chicken korma meal I am making to feed everyone over the next couple of days.

The total meals she has cooked over the past year = 2. The total meals my passive aggressive sister has cooked the past month = about 1.

I think I make my point. I can't wait to get out of this house. I have a sister who lashes out at everyone when she is in the least bit of stress (as I mentioned, its exam season). And a mother who seems to be terrified of her and will make me be the bad guy just to try and please miss lazybones.

Urgh. Ok, back to work.

Moral of the story

I guess this time the moral of the story is not to speak too soon.

Due to an accident I now have no car, so my job is in very real danger. I can't see myself being able to afford another one any time soon. So my options are to put myself in debt to buy a car so that I can get a job (there is a company I can get work with if I can drive), or to try and go without which in the place where I live means the chance of me picking up another job are slim to none.

This is not a good time for me. Things are really going against me. I could talk about feeling helpless, about the shock I felt during the accident, about how I've no idea how I am going to make ends meet.

Only that would be no use. I've got to hold onto things that will help. If I get a really good score on the gamsat this september then that will be the next four years sorted. Then I can relax and know I am on the route to somewhere.

I've just got to remember that that is what is important. I can't solve everything but if I solve that I will be happy.

Well

The exam went. I don't know if it went well, but I don't think it went too badly. I hope.

For at least the short term my job seems ok. I'm still spending a lot of petrol, but at least its manageable now. So thats hanging in there. I only lasts till late june/ early july anyway. Then I will require other employment.

I've also started my next module. So far it looks like a lot of work. Hopefully it'll be easier than the last one so that it'll take a little less time and worry.

I also spent out on more gamsat stuff. Hopefully it should mean I can fit in more revision. The ukcat is also booked now, for early july. I figuired it would be better to get it out of the way so that I can concentrate on the gamsat as thats the one I really want to do well on.

Today being my day off I have to get a lot done (I'm shockingly behind on biology caused by a combination of the statistics exam and work). I have to have a bath, do two timed essays, science notes, work on my new module, get my braces adjusted, do paperwork for work, more gamsat revision and hopefully go through section one practice test results.

Then tomorrow its work again and I have to figuire out whether I can afford to add in another day of work at a new job somewhere. The current answer is no, but maybe if I manage to catch up on all the things I'm falling behind on.

I have an exam tomorrow!

Ahhh!

Well good point is if I pass it then I have completed advanced statistics and I don't need to go back to it. For a while at least. If I don't pass then I have to resit - which given how much stuff is happening the next six months + I do not want to do. So I have to pass it.

Also loads of drama going on with my job which means I may have to quit. But I'll focus on that only after this exam is finished.

My little sister is reaching new levels of stupid behaviour

Though I do find it amusing how she is basically following 'the classic youngest child rebelious behaviour' to a tee. I wonder if she has some manual or book she is following? Yet she believes shes so hard core, and the first and best one out there to be doing these things, and of course making a complete fool of herself.

It is sad how she is throwing away her future though for some short term 'fitting in'. She'll realise eventually but I think in the mean time her grade, career, health and life choices will suffer.

However since she wont listen to any kind of solutions to her problems, and all her behaviour is dependent on the behaviour of others I'm trying to stay out of it. Though it is hard. Its like when you watch a film and the main charater does something so obviously stupid you can't help but shout at the tv, then shut it off because you can't believe anyone would be that idiotic. Only this time I can't shut the tv off, and yes that charater keeps on doing unbelievably stupid things.

I've got to sort out my life first. If all goes totally perfect then I should be leaving home in september 2012. So at least then I won't have to watch this train wreak anymore.

It turns out

My cat is afraid of foil. Like the kind that you wrap up easter eggs in.

I've added it to the list along with newspaper, vacuums, anything that makes a sudden noise, anything that is new, etc, etc, etc.

I think I might be happy

This past week I have been doing not much else than studying. Mainly physics, with chemistry and biology thrown in too as well as research methods. Its brilliant. Except for the research methods, thats ok but doesn't make me happy like the sciences.

I just wish it would all stay in my brain forever. I seem to learn a lot then most of it falls out seconds later. Its really sad. I just really hope I am retaining more than I think I am.

Hopefully it will get better once I have done this exam next month, then as long as I pass it I can say goodbye to advanced statistics for a while. Of course, I then have to say hello to ethography until sep/oct time but hopefully that will be a little easier.

Oh I love my gamsat book. Why can't other things be as fun to learn about as science?

Next move

Attended an informal interview at a hospital for some volunteer work. I hope I get it.

I have this great game on my phone called 'speed anatomy' its brilliant. I'm starting to get quite nifty at naming bones which is my favourite section.

I'm more behind on my revision work than I would like. Its disapointing. I find all I want to do when I get home from work is collapse in front of a good documentary. I manage some revision, but its not enough.

Unless my boss pulls some suprising tricks - which he has been known to do. I will get thursday and friday off. I'll either have a major gamsat revision day and a major research method revision day or just chop each day in half. Not sure which one yet.

And for the first time in months I'm giving myself the night off. I'm going to come home from work, get dvds and chinese and have a movie night. Thats the idea anyway. Sleep sounds real good right now as well.

Hooked

Finished notes on the general chemistry section. Now onto physics. I never really liked physics and left it after gcse but I loved the first chapter. I'm not sure its all about the subject - maybe theres just some euphoria I feel when I get to learn new things. The only problem is that its reached that tipping point.

Sometimes theres a feeling I get, particually when I've been revising for a while that any day, hour sometimes even minute when I haven't learned something fulfilling my brain gets hungry. Its an odd way of describing it, but its an odd feeling to describe. Its this empty nagging feeling in my head and it makes me twitch and pace like a junkie and just feel like something is horribly wrong until I fill up on information.

I never travel anywhere without a book. Sometimes it will get to the point that the books or fact videos I'm reading just aren't getting the solid fulfilling facts in my head quick enough - they have too much mushy 'ease you in' stuff that usually I do like.

I've spent the past twenty minutes scanning my gamsat books for solid facts to fill me up. I also made some postit notes with bare bones equations and lovely dry memorisable stuff.

I have to work all of tomorrow (not intellectually challenging stuff at all) so anticipate a bit of a gimme facts to eat freak out when I get back. So should be set up for that. At least it helps me make sure I do fit in revision somewhere. I just hope my brain doesn't lose it before I arrive home.

Well news

I did pass my driving test. Its still really scary driving. I've driven to two different places so far, none further way than 15minute drive (though that one took me 45 minutes to get there!)

My boss contacted me yesterday and told me he wanted me to work today - yeah he does that. I'm on a contract which means that he can fire me at any second if he wants and thats it - i'm gone - no notice needed or anything. Plus its 30 miles away - so a 60 mile round journey.

Needless to say I'm a little worried. Plus I have a weekend of training starting tomorrow for my volunteer work.

Yeah, I've been becoming a tad put off by the volunteer work so far. Some of it is good - but most of it is information overload and 'you must do this' 'you must do that' 'you are letting down the standards if you act like that'.

I know they are investing money paying for training and stuff, but seriously they've got to remember that we're doing this for free. Sometimes it feels like we are being treated like naughty school children and like they forget that at times.

To be perfectly honest I thought I'd enjoy it more. I have comtemplated quitting. But then I think about why I did this in the first place. And how much money they've invested into me so far. Then I feel guilty for keeping going with it because they are only using more money and time to train me and that could go to someone who really does enjoy every step of the process.

The studying isn't going as well as I had hoped. I'm about two and a bit chapters behind on my general chemistry work, and the last chapter in particular isn't making sense. I want to get a score in the gamsat that will make people's jaws drop in awe. Something that will make me proud of myself.

I want to go into my shadowing of doctors and volunteering (other volunteer work) and have that feeling that says 'this is what I want to do'. I want that facination to grow so that I know this is something I can happily spend the rest of my life on. And I want to enjoy the process step by step (or enough of it that I don't hate it).

Right now I just want to stop the world and get off. Just until I get my batteries recharged.

Driving test

Is next week. I want to pass so much. I hate driving lessons, I've had them for over a year and just want to have my licence already so I can be more independent and get on with the rest of my life. Yet I can't put too much pressure on myself because I know that if I go to the test in a tight ball of nerves there is less of a chance in me passing. I can do this, and if I don't pass then I can try again soon. The only way to pass is to keep trying.

I'm trying to think of an appropriate reward to get me excited for after the test. Maybe a whole day of just science revision. I'd like that. I could even do biology - my favourite and watch some documentaries. But there is also that statistics assignment to do. I'll decide on a set reward sooner, something that will be suitable for if I pass and for if I fail, but if I pass it will involve a lot of running around and jumping in circles before I settle down to do whatever.

The bottom line to remember is that I will pass eventually. You can fail however many times, but one pass and they don't matter cause you passed.

TS Eliot

"I will show you fear in a hand full of dust"

And its true. I know its true. I don't want my time on earth not to have a impact that I can be proud of. I just wish I knew which path to take. I wish I had more gifts to help make me stand out as useful and for me to be more productive and successful.

I wish I knew exactly where each path would lead me so I know which one to take.

I'm fed up of people telling me what I can't do

How about people telling me what I can do for once. How's that for a novel idea?

Nearly end of January

I've got training for my new job. I got a new job by the way in case I haven't mentioned it yet. It does mean that the assignment I've been fretting about because I've got to finish it before the 18th of feb...well because of all of this training I now need to finish it for the 10th of feb.

Yeah...its really not going well either. Its going to be a stressful next few weeks I think.

I had to move my driving lesson to march because of the training. Gives me more time I guess though I really do want it over and done with. I'm spending 80 pounds per week just on driving lessons and I still haven't gotten a pay check yet. Fun stuff.

I think priorities are in order. First priority is to complete this assignment as soon as possible.

Hate driving lessons

I wish I had passed already and didn't have to do anymore. They are annoying. I don't know why but I just get so stressed out before them and to some extent during them. Maybe cause I hate messing up so much or something. Or maybe because I've been doing them so long I just wanna pass already.

Training is stressful, but I think I just need to get used to it. Hopefully. I need to do another assignment really soon, as in the next couple of weeks and I am nowhere near ready to tackle it. I feel like I barely understand any of the concepts. Sure I can run a multiple regression, but interaction effects still confound me. And explaining the results can be easier said than done. First solid mapping out of assignment is tomorrow. Hoping to look over my last assignment so I don't repeat the same mistakes and at least run the first analysis. And link each part of the assignment to its collelating background reading so I can re-read and go over as many of the concepts in my other book as well so I understand them as well as possible.

Then theres the new job. I think I do have it. They've said I have at least. Want to get my assignment done asap as have training sometime with them next month. They haven't said when yet.

This weekend is mostly eaten up by training, but I have some of the three days beforehand to do things. Then hopefully the week after.

If I want to get my life sorted before I am 28 then I need to do more and I need to do it faster and perferably better. If by the end of next month I have this assignment done, the driving test passed and most of the training out of the way that will help. Then theres just the little matter of everything else that needs doing.

So I may have a job

I still don't really believe it and I won't until the paperwork is finished and I get my first pay check.

Should have my first shadow shift thing late this week, then I'll be more convinced. Also got two more driving lessons this week and my first weekend of police training. I'm very nervous, mostly cause it means I will likely have to stay there overnight. I really don't like staying in strange places overnight.

Planning on getting as much sleep as possible in the couple of nights beforehand because I'm not convinced I'll be able to get any sleep.

In all the recent excitment I'm way behind with my work. Not impressed with myself and am trying to catch up. Friday seems my only day thats not completely jam packed. So will do what I can then around the driving lesson and other things that day.

I'll just have to get used to all these new routines. If I do really have the job (verbally confirmed but no paperwork yet) then it will be great.

I also have my pgce interview next week and braces on. Fun, stressful and painful things ahead.

Either stressed or low blood sugar

Or a combination of both. I started driving lessons again. I asked for a patient instructor. I got a hardass.

Hoping it works for me and I can meet up to his expectations. I'll try my best at least but driving is most definately not something I find at all easy. I'm scared of failing but I'm not going to let that stop me from trying my best.

Its added mountains to my stress levels though. This morning I was ok. A little juttery maybe from having a new instructor since my last one dumped me for some unknown reason. I got home after my first lesson with the new instructor and have been bounching with tension since.

I even had to do umpteen paces, bounches and chin ups before I could calm down enough to sit down and watch my reward episode of something. I also bit and hit myself, but nothing too bad. I've done more bounches, paces and chin ups since. I'm still not completely what I like to call 'stable' - which basically just refers to my mood seeming stable.

At least it means I get a lot of exercise when I am stressed. I am trying to muscle up a little so I guess it could be useful.

It could also be my blood sugar, or most likely a combination of the two. I'll have to keep a closer eye on what I eat. I have been eating more sugars lately given all the christmas leftovers and lack of other foods. Maybe if I get that in order I'll feel more stable.

I just feel like I can run forever, but I know that even if that takes the edge off for a little while it won't last long. I'll probuly be using the treadmill a lot more over the next few weeks.

I just have to keep thinking that when I pass this test I won't have to bother with any driving instructors again. I just have to keep focused and not fall off the rails because of this.

If I just stick with it, by the end of feb I could be free. With a licence I'll be able to drive a car. With that I can have more freedom to live my own life. I just have to stick with it.