So they are expecting me to live off of 51 pence a week

At that rate I'll be losing 3 pound a week just on buses to take to sign on every two weeks. Theres a lot of expenses right now. I want more driving lessons so I don't have to be so dependent on my mother for lifts. Theres also my next part time module I have to pay for soon. I'm not sure if I have enough money.

These things I pay for to make it more likely for me to get a job. Next year I'll be 24 and I'll have been trying to get a job for two years. I'm tired of all this.

I want my life that I dream about. I don't understand why I am not getting a job. I'm trapped. Its an alright cage and my mother is an alright keeper but I don't want to be trapped. I want to option to leave if nescessary.

My mother is nice but unpredictable. She has her moments when she reminds me painfully that she is in control of my life and my only source of food or shelter. It hurts.

I've been planning on moving out for so many years I can't begin to pin point exactly when the plan started. The fact that I am so dependent at this age is soul crushing.

On a brighter note I reached 20 thousand words on my first draft. Its behind schedule, but its there. I passed my police medical so am starting police special training next month. Meaning, with that, volunteering, masters course work and applying for jobs my life is about to get seriously packed. If I get a job soon it will get even more so.

Not sure if I've mentioned it yet but I also have an interview next month that will determine whether or not I get onto teacher training. Esentially its a make or break time for me. This could all go very well or very very badly.

Tired of all this

Still no interviews. Or any temp work over christmas. I thought I might get some of that. For some reason my fifty something per week job seekers allowance dropped to 51 pence per week according to a letter I got today. They said it was because of my 'change in earnings'. I don't earn any money. The only work I've done is a few hours temp I got over a month ago that I declared to the job centre - had to fill out a form. Haven't had any hours for months.

I hope they just mean for the weeks I worked. I can't afford to live off 51pence a week. The bus to sign on alone costs nearly seven pounds. So confused. I'll have to ask. I really hope I get onto a pgce. I can't help but think I might have a future if I get something like that.

No more bad luck please, I've had my quota already.

Today

I told my sister she had bad breath (she did). She then remarked that she had just brushed her teeth so I suggested that maybe she had a bacteria infection to cause such bad breath. She hit me.

I seem to be physically assaulted quite often in this house for my concerns over people's health. It is a rather good reminder though that outside the house I may have to pay rather close attention to what I say. I think in this instance what I said was perceived as blunt or rude in some way but sometimes I say things that cause reactions I am never sure of the reason for.

I still don't think I deserved to be hit though.

If I was given a million pounds in money

I would immediantly put it in the bank. I would fill up my isa for the year and put the rest of the money in a savings account. I would loan my mom the money she wants to buy a new car. Then if she decided she wanted to stay in the house she was living in I'd pay to fence up the garden securely so that the dog can run around in it like she's always wanted.

I wouldn't qualify for job seekers any more so would have to stop that. I would however keep looking for a job. I would pay for an intense driving course I want to work out the last kinks in my driving skills then pay for as many tests as needed until I passed and got my licence. Then I could volunteer more. I would volunteer every week - probuly mostly at schools at least three days per week. The last two days and the weekend I would use to do my masters course and apply for jobs.

If I didn't get onto a pgce next year I would either do a masters in 'psychology of education' or 'creative writing'. I would as I always do, save my money as much as possible. After every purchage (of which there would be only important things) I would strive to get the number back up to a million or more so that I would have enough for whatever the future brought me and my family. I could even think about doing a phD at some point like I've always thought about.

I would be happy and secure in the knowledge that I could face the future. I could buy a house when I needed one. I could look after my mother when she could no longer look after herself. I could know that when I had children I could give them opportunies in life. I'm not talking first class flights or whatnot. I'm talking the opportunity to spend as much time with them as I and they like without worrying about work. And a education to make sure that they never end up like me - almost two years unemployed.

I could pick up my family when they fell down on hard times like our mother has been doing to us. And I could finally live my dream of being able to foster and at some point adopt as well children that have fallen on hard times as well.

I wish.