So they are expecting me to live off of 51 pence a week

At that rate I'll be losing 3 pound a week just on buses to take to sign on every two weeks. Theres a lot of expenses right now. I want more driving lessons so I don't have to be so dependent on my mother for lifts. Theres also my next part time module I have to pay for soon. I'm not sure if I have enough money.

These things I pay for to make it more likely for me to get a job. Next year I'll be 24 and I'll have been trying to get a job for two years. I'm tired of all this.

I want my life that I dream about. I don't understand why I am not getting a job. I'm trapped. Its an alright cage and my mother is an alright keeper but I don't want to be trapped. I want to option to leave if nescessary.

My mother is nice but unpredictable. She has her moments when she reminds me painfully that she is in control of my life and my only source of food or shelter. It hurts.

I've been planning on moving out for so many years I can't begin to pin point exactly when the plan started. The fact that I am so dependent at this age is soul crushing.

On a brighter note I reached 20 thousand words on my first draft. Its behind schedule, but its there. I passed my police medical so am starting police special training next month. Meaning, with that, volunteering, masters course work and applying for jobs my life is about to get seriously packed. If I get a job soon it will get even more so.

Not sure if I've mentioned it yet but I also have an interview next month that will determine whether or not I get onto teacher training. Esentially its a make or break time for me. This could all go very well or very very badly.

Tired of all this

Still no interviews. Or any temp work over christmas. I thought I might get some of that. For some reason my fifty something per week job seekers allowance dropped to 51 pence per week according to a letter I got today. They said it was because of my 'change in earnings'. I don't earn any money. The only work I've done is a few hours temp I got over a month ago that I declared to the job centre - had to fill out a form. Haven't had any hours for months.

I hope they just mean for the weeks I worked. I can't afford to live off 51pence a week. The bus to sign on alone costs nearly seven pounds. So confused. I'll have to ask. I really hope I get onto a pgce. I can't help but think I might have a future if I get something like that.

No more bad luck please, I've had my quota already.

Today

I told my sister she had bad breath (she did). She then remarked that she had just brushed her teeth so I suggested that maybe she had a bacteria infection to cause such bad breath. She hit me.

I seem to be physically assaulted quite often in this house for my concerns over people's health. It is a rather good reminder though that outside the house I may have to pay rather close attention to what I say. I think in this instance what I said was perceived as blunt or rude in some way but sometimes I say things that cause reactions I am never sure of the reason for.

I still don't think I deserved to be hit though.

If I was given a million pounds in money

I would immediantly put it in the bank. I would fill up my isa for the year and put the rest of the money in a savings account. I would loan my mom the money she wants to buy a new car. Then if she decided she wanted to stay in the house she was living in I'd pay to fence up the garden securely so that the dog can run around in it like she's always wanted.

I wouldn't qualify for job seekers any more so would have to stop that. I would however keep looking for a job. I would pay for an intense driving course I want to work out the last kinks in my driving skills then pay for as many tests as needed until I passed and got my licence. Then I could volunteer more. I would volunteer every week - probuly mostly at schools at least three days per week. The last two days and the weekend I would use to do my masters course and apply for jobs.

If I didn't get onto a pgce next year I would either do a masters in 'psychology of education' or 'creative writing'. I would as I always do, save my money as much as possible. After every purchage (of which there would be only important things) I would strive to get the number back up to a million or more so that I would have enough for whatever the future brought me and my family. I could even think about doing a phD at some point like I've always thought about.

I would be happy and secure in the knowledge that I could face the future. I could buy a house when I needed one. I could look after my mother when she could no longer look after herself. I could know that when I had children I could give them opportunies in life. I'm not talking first class flights or whatnot. I'm talking the opportunity to spend as much time with them as I and they like without worrying about work. And a education to make sure that they never end up like me - almost two years unemployed.

I could pick up my family when they fell down on hard times like our mother has been doing to us. And I could finally live my dream of being able to foster and at some point adopt as well children that have fallen on hard times as well.

I wish.

And I didn't get that job either

We're approaching two years of being unemployed since university. Today on the way to the interview my mother told me she worried about me because she didn't know how much longer she could support me.

Independence seems such a far away dream right now. If I get onto the pgce next academic year there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. I can think to myself that I will have a solid skill that I can use to get access to jobs. They still haven't got back to me on that, but I really need this. Even if I can't find a job, if I get that then I will have something useful.

I hate being dependent on people. It was a nice school though. I enjoyed seeing it and meeting all the people. Today wasn't the best of days because I didn't get the job, but I'll just start fresh tomorrow.

The story is over 15000 words now. Nowhere near what I think it should be. Think I got out most of the kinks in the plot that were holding me up. Though there will be more I think. Thats quite good though. It holds me up but it adds whole new layers to the story that might otherwise not appear. Still need to get a lot faster with my output though.

I'll put aside some time to work on that tomorrow, though I also need to fit in major time for advanced statistics and of course more job applications. I need some things to start working out.

Well I didn't get that job either

I do however have another job interview tomorrow. I'm kinda scared about this one, though I really should be used to interviews by now.

My youngest sister who is 17 wants to drop out of school because its (insert bad word meaning feaces here). No more explanation than that. She wants to work from home doing a A-level distance course (she's more than half way through her AS levels). So I suggested if she's so set on that she should take a week off school and work on her own at home for 6 hours a day. See if it works for her. Particaully considering her last thing was doing two hours extra revision after school - she gave up on that after a few days. I doubt she'll take the suggestion.

So she's in a bad mood and taking it out on everyone. I told her this, and how she shouldn't do it. She told me I was rude because of my phrasing which was perfectly ok I think: 'Just because you are in a bad mood doesn't mean you should take it out on everyone' - no tone, just blunt truth. She says my mother should have taught me some manners and that I am 23 so shouldn't still be allowed to get away with this (insert bad word meaning feaces here).

I find her phrasing ironic.

As usual

Another rejection. They said they liked me but wanted someone who had a little more experience. I think I'm growing quite pessimistic about this whole job search.

I'm got another interview tomorrow. I think my mom doesn't want me to go to that one because it wouldn't be perfect. I'm not looking for perfect, I'm looking for a job. Only she's not outright coming out and saying it. She's confusing me by phrasing things inadequately and essentially blackmailing me.

I think she might be trying to hint something, but I don't get hints so I really don't know. She knows I don't understand hints, so I don't know what her motive is, or what she's doing for that matter. I remain here quite confused.

Anyway, added confusion is quite useless to me at the moment so onto other things. I will go to the interview tomorrow as planned. Then I will come home, apply for more jobs and figure out a fesible way of getting home after a painful procedure on friday. I'm thinking painkillers and throughally researched bus routes? It might work.

This only makes me want money and independence more. I want a lovely little place that is all mine with a job I can happily be a workaholic in.

Off to write. No matter how nervous I am I need more words down.

Interview tomorrow

I'm terrified. If I get this it could change so much. I want this so much but I've tried and failed so many times to get my hopes up. All I can do is do my best.

Theres a task which is the thing I'm most worried about. The lack of details are annoying. Am I delivering the task to the children, guiding them on it, or helping the ones who have difficulty? I am also not given the task until I go there. I'm really quite worried.

I think I just have to keep repeating to myself that all I can do is my best.

As for word count for my current story, I'm behind my quota because of the stress. I wanted to reach 14000 words by the end of today. Today I've managed zilch words so am still at 7000 words. Tomorrow once the stress is over I have to force myself to work on this.

I have to get things more together and learn to stress less over things.

Two more interviews

Next week. How many does that make it now? As usual worried. One of them has few hours but is in a easy location to get to. The other is harder to get to but has more hours.

I think I'd prefer the first one as I'm not sure I'd be able to consistantly get to the second. However can't afford to be picky. I need a job, I want a job so bad.

Worried about the tasks I have to do. I tend to make a terrible first impression because of my social disablity, my later impressions I think are better but getting to that point can be difficult. Just going to try and prepare then go with the flow I think. I hope I get this one.

Come on life, stop laughing at me and give me a bit of a break. I promise I'll try my best to do the rest.

Third of the way through a masters degree

Today I sat my final exam for my 60 credit module towards a masters in psychological research methods. There was a major mistake on the exam paper which bugged me, but still enjoyed it. If I pass this, it means that I am possession of enough credits to qualify for a postgraduate certificate in psychological research methods. Though I'm planning on sticking with it to do a full masters.

It also meant that I could open the box containing the equipment for my next module: advanced research methods and statistics. Sounds interesting, lets hope it is. Funny, since if you told me two years ago that I would be enjoying to some extent studying statistics I would have thought you a little dotty. I guess part of it is the thirst for information, ever since I left university, even before that its been like a drug. I can't get enough and if I'm not reading something educational for too long I get majorly antsy and just have to go on a text book binge. Its odd, but at least its constructive.

In other news, I got my crb check done for the casual early years job, so hopefully I hear from them. I also completed finally my first chapter for my fiction story, I need to up my word output for that, its still too low and inconsistant.

I want a full time job and I want my own place. I've been having dreams where I live in a small perfectly organised clean apartment with my cat. I have a couple of fair sized white boards against the walls, as well as a huge calender that I use to manage my schedule down to the last minute along with my task lists. It feels like heaven. I really want to live there.

Interview passed!

The medical next, though not worried about that. I'm healthy and my eyesight seems fine, so hopefully that'll be ok. Then I can volunteer with the police.

Sometimes my mom makes me feel bad by saying something like she did today. I was talking to her about how I wanted to build up my cv a bit more with more experience of key stage 2 and 3 pupils so I'll stand more of a chance getting onto a solid pgce course that will offer me a good chance at employment afterwards. So I was talking about volunteer work I could do.

She turns around and basically puts down the volunteer work in favour of me getting a paid job. She knows thats what I've been trying to do for the past year. And I still send out applications for everything from teaching assistant to cleaner. But I need experience, so if I got to do that by doing unpaid work, then I'll do unpaid work so I can get the paid stuff.

I'm a calm person, but stuff like that and my little sister telling me I should go out and get a job like its that easy. And her rubbing in my face that she has a 'job' and I don't - her version of a job being a saturday job she only got because she'd young enough that they don't have to pay her minimum wage for a adult. Though when I can get it, I work more hours a week as a cleaner than she did.

And I know I should be able to get more jobs than a cleaner. I'm intelligent, hard working, have good gcses, a-levels, a degree and coming up to a third of a part time masters degree. I have work experience, sure I'm young so its not a lot, and a lot of it was unpaid, but I have experience.

I want independence so bad, but to get that I need money, and to get that I need a job - or y'know a popular published book, but thats lot more unlikely so its going to remain a hobby for a while as apposed to a main pursuit.

Anyway rant over, I'm just feeling frustrated I guess. I'll start fresh tomorrow with chores, exam revision, job applications and writing. Eventually it all has to work out, right?

Well the shift went fine

The kids were interesting and parts of it were actually quite fun. It wasn't as scary as I was worried it might be.

Now I have to wait to see if they contact me again I think, and I'm also waiting to see if I passed my interview to volunteer with the police. Tomorrow I get to get started on getting braces for my teeth, I get to have x rays done.

The past couple of days I've had a sore throat which sometimes makes me cough, but the bad part is the fever and headaches I seem to be getting. I hate it when I can't think straight, and yet I'm still well enough to function for the most part. Its annoying as it doesn't seem to be going away and I'm used to when I'm ill (which is usually not that often) it having a predictable pattern of ok to coming down with something to the illest I shall be, then better, usually in a fairly short span. Only this seems to be stuck in one mode and just not changing.

Its annoying and I want to feel normal again. My exams coming up and I'm having trouble focusing, not to mention I don't know how bad I'm going to make it if I go in for my usual heavy duty temp work this friday. I'm going to try it, but I don't think my heads going to thank me. Think I'll focus on the fact that if need be I can collapse and go to sleep when I come back home.

Interview over

Made them laugh, maybe thats a good sign? Won't know whether or not I pass for a few days probuly. So its a waiting game.

Tomorrow I get to have a shift of work with some very difficult  and sometimes violent teenagers. Aparlently they are very abusive, and I can say I won't let it get to me but I'll just have to see how it goes and try not to let it get to me. If I do well there might be a job in it at some stage, maybe.

So I have that and I also have to start really buckling down for my exam thats due in under a month. Should be fun.

Police Interview tomorrow

Tomorrow I have my interview that will help determine whether they accept or reject me as a police volunteer. How do I feel? Terrified would be my answer.

Thats ok though, because I know that once its over I'll feel all the more relieved. Particually if I pass it. I really hope I pass it.


I've prepared, and prepared and prepared and still feel I need to prepare some more. I really want this, and I hope I make a great impression or at least a good one.

Off to sleep, last thing I need is to be overtired tomorrow since knowing me I'm not going to be able to stop moving until the interview is over.

Girls are scared of spiders

Picture the scene. I'm typing away happily at my laptop, my faithful feline friend decides I am obviously not happy enough so takes it upon herself to give me a present. She jumps on my bed, drops something next to me with a cheerful chirp. I don't look down as I've taught her to fetch so she's forever bringing things to throw for her. So she picks it up and drops it again with a louder chirp.

I look down and there right next to me is a spider about four centremetres across with a large body. Seeing she has my attention, she taps it and it uncurls and trots across my bedcovers.

My natural reaction is to jump up, and with a big grin on my face go to show our family friend living with us the cool present my cat got me. She gasps and looks faintly sick as I remember I need to take photo, so pick it up and use webcam to make photographic evidence of its size. I go out to throw it away when my sister passes me with her friend. Naturally I show them and they run in opposite directions.

Then my sister showing a wonderful devious streak tells me to show it to the rest of her friends, over half a dozen girls and one boy. They all make various sounds of disgust, horror and fear. The boy doesn't flinch.

Finally I am free to throw my wonderful present out into the garden and tell my cat it was a wonderful thought and I did really like it. Every single girl there was scared of that spider, except me of course. I'm either going to have to start questioning my gender or just assume them to be a bunch of wimps.

In my honest opinion, they're bunch of pansies.

Well today has been difficult

Today I did a days work as a cleaner. I lost count of how many beds I stripped and remade. Its a temp job and definately not my idea of an ideal occupation, but I'm waiting for a early years assistant job's crb to come through - though even that is just a casual job. If theres one thing a day working as a cleaner does, its provide a lot of motivation to get a job that doesn't leave you quite so sore and bored.


Tired and demotivated, and want something to go right. Not to mention I'm still wondering when I'm going to get paid for it, and how much. And - this is the big thing - I'm planning on going back monday for another day of it. But work is work and anything I can get right now is a good thing.

Just currently really quite desperate for a perminant job. I'm not saying it has to be full time or perfect. As long as its above 16 hours so I can get off job seekers allowance, is consistant and doesn't make me despair of life too much at the end of a day. Though I feel I'm asking too much with that.

I have a degree, great grades and am doing a part time masters degree (cause learning is as much an obsession of mine as writing). I don't know why its so difficult for me to get a job.

In other news I have a good couple of big events coming up. In a few weeks I sit my interview to be able to volunteer in the police. I'm really quite scared as this is the step I am most worried about not passing. I'm physically fit, intelligent enough but interviews let me down. I'm too honest and have a hard time selling myself because of that. Plus aspergers syndrome means that frequently people misinterpret my body language, which I feel also lets me down.

However being scared doesn't exactly help matters, so instead I've decided to be well prepared. Starting tomorrow (though I've kinda started a while ago) I'm researching the core competencies and deciding which examples from my life I will use and which questions might crop up.

Also have a exam in a little over a month - am scared about that too. I have to pass both. So full effort into both, and lets hope nothing trips me up and I make it.

More to add later about my time as a cleaner and the morally questionable things I learnt. Tomorrow I am preparing for my exam and police interview, applying for jobs with renewed vigour and fitting in some time somewhere to do some writing. So tired.

Slowly getting there

I had a bit of a mind block for a while - I'm still trying to tell myself that the first draft doesn't have to be perfect. But am now consistantly writing 100 words a day on it, today I plan to up that to 200 a day, then once I hit 1000 words, up to 500 words a day.

I also confess I started another fanfiction story - this one about CSI miami, and the last one about CSI new york. The newest one however I have forced myself to apply no minimum word limit on, so I only work on it when I have finished the quota for the other two. Its refreshing working on something I'm not as focused on about being completely perfect. I'm not sure about ridding my writing of fanfiction completely but I definately intend to up my word output for my original story to at least 1000 words a day, preferably at least 2000 words a day, even if it means I have to downsize my output for the fanfiction.



Heres a clip of my CSI miami fanfiction, I might post the whole thing on here once I finish a chapter:




Ryan Wolfe was at times a ridiculously precise individual and that could make him a easy man to hate. There were two tactics you could take with him. You could either hold his fixated nature against him and allow yourself to get riled up when he told you that you weren't following some small procedure that was in the rule book that no one ever followed, double checked your work, or completely blanked you because he was focused on chasing down a trail of evidence including forgetting to call you if it was your case too. Or you could take the other road, the one Calleigh had forced herself to take. Which was to look at the rest of him as well and see the sweet funny side of their youngest team member that some people never took the time to find out, as well as to see the quirks as just that, quirks that just made up another endearing side to his personality.

Though that wasn't to say that sometimes she didn't view him as one of the most annoying and frustrating people she had ever met.

In the beginning there was

An idea and a scarily poor amount of motivation to follow it through. Well, actually I think I have the motivation, its just the focus I tend to lack. Plus the looming fear that I'm going to screw it up doesn't really help.

I am yet another young idealistic person who wants to author a novel. I have outlined it, and written a total of 175 words. Then I decide to stop and write a blog - you see my problem?

I also practice my writing on projects less close to my heart such as fanfiction. The fanfiction I'm currently writing is 40, 857 words long and I'm still quite early on in the middle of the plot - that gives me hope. The fact I have yet to completly finish a fanfiction story fills me with dread, but I guess with the good has to come the bad.

Well, I will see how it goes and am aiming for a bare minimum of 50,000 words. Of course, then I have to worry about it being any good, but I think I just have to take this one thing at a time.